Sometimes I think I’m all alone.
I have no friends, no one I can truly trust and open up to anyway.
I have my family, but I don’t want to trouble them with my problems.
I have a boyfriend, but he doesn’t seem to get me at all.
Sometimes, I even think he doesn’t want me around anymore.
I cry, he laughs. I get mad, he gets angry. I open up, he shuts up like he heard nothing.
I’m alone, there’s no one there for me.
Every night I pray, just to see and add up what I’m blessed with. I thank the Lord everyday.
Why am I not satisfied? Is it me?
This morning I was just sitting, doing nothing, staring at the window, and I cried.
I didn’t even notice the tears on my face ’til the drops fell on my lap.
I ask myself, “Is this self pity?” Why?
Sciatic pain is hurting like a sewing machine on my leg.
There’s a moment with no pain, a few minutes later, here it comes again.
Meds don’t make me feel any better too, it just makes me want to depend on it.
Mom always warned me, so I stopped some. Now I feel even worse.
This morning too, I thought I could make the negative thoughts off my head.
I wanted to distract myself by doing the laundry.
Mom came, we had a little fight. I was too harsh on her.
I respond to her in a very irritated, and angry manner like I was losing respect.
I’m not a bad person, but I’m not sure if I’m a good daughter anymore.
I also think I was never a good model for my younger sisters.
And last Wednesday I spoke a bad word to the guard at my school.
And acted innocent, practically lied about it when he approached me.
What good am I then? Is this the real me?
I always reasoned the pain when I treat my family badly.
Mom said, we all have some pain in us, we just don’t need to rain it on the family.
I always had my control when it comes to other people.
But why do I bring the rage when it comes to my family? Especially my mother.
I don’t know about her, but I sure won’t forgive anyone with my kind of attitude.
My mom always understands, she forgives, but sometimes, she doesn’t listen too.
What to do with my life? Can I still reach for my dreams with this kind of me?
CAN THIS BE THE REAL ME? I’m lost.