First of a Hundred For My Carlisle

Dear child, 

   I know it may seem early to tell you this, but I have a feeling I won’t be as responsive when you’ll reach the right age.

   First, the moment your father and i knew you were coming to our world, i admit i was a bit scared. i was still in school and your father has yet to discover his true passion in life. we did not know what to do but ones thing is for sure. it is to keep you. 

just greaeaeaeaaaeeeeeet!

Last week, my boyfriend just sent someone to the hospital. He didn’t knew that the other guy was his cousin. They were drunk. Bryle,(the other guy) was very drunk with some friends and decided to make trouble. Him and his friend into a fight with my man’s friend. Eros, my man’s friend was out-numbered so my boyfriend helped him. What he did was so brutal though. He was trying to break the brawl but they wouldn’t stop.

My boyfriend took a rock with the size of his fist, he slammed it into Bryle’s Face. That was the time he saw that it was Bryle. I don’t know how it went down. But without us knowing, Bryle was sent to the hospital. When he got out, they went looking for John.

John was worried, what would Bryle’s family do to him. No one helped him. Ofcourse, me. Only me. Fuck those friends he calls. No one could help him. I hated him. In my anger, I told him to stop helping his friends beacuse in the end if he was the one asking for help, no one comes. Really. No one. I hated it! It’s not that I’m complaing, but why do I have stopt my world jsut to help him. how abouot me.!!!!!?>??????? SH8888

I, with the sad Eyes.

Sometimes I think I’m all alone.

I’m Lonely.

I have no friends, no one I can truly trust and open up to anyway.

I have my family, but I don’t want to trouble them with my problems.

I have a boyfriend, but he doesn’t seem to get me at all.

Sometimes, I even think he doesn’t want me around anymore.

I cry, he laughs. I get mad, he gets angry. I open up, he shuts up like he heard nothing.

 

I’m alone, there’s no one there for me.

Every night I pray, just to see and add up what I’m blessed with. I thank the Lord everyday.

Why am I not satisfied? Is it me?

This morning I was just sitting, doing nothing, staring at the window, and I cried.

I didn’t even notice the tears on my face ’til the drops fell on my lap.

 

I ask myself, “Is this self pity?” Why?

Sciatic pain is hurting like a sewing machine on my leg.

There’s a moment with no pain, a few minutes later, here it comes again.

Meds don’t make me feel any better too, it just makes me want to depend on it.

Mom always warned me, so I stopped some. Now I feel even worse.

 

This morning too, I thought I could make the negative thoughts off my head.

I wanted to distract myself by doing the laundry.

Mom came, we had a little fight. I was too harsh on her.

I respond to her in a very irritated, and angry manner like I was losing respect.

 

I’m not a bad person, but I’m not sure if I’m a good daughter anymore.

I also think I was never a good model for my younger sisters.

And last Wednesday I spoke a bad word to the guard at my school.

And acted innocent, practically lied about it when he approached me.

What good am I then? Is this the real me?

I always reasoned the pain when I treat my family badly.

Mom said, we all have some pain in us, we just don’t need to rain it on the family.

 

I always had my control when it comes to other people.

But why do I bring the rage when it comes to my family? Especially my mother.

I don’t know about her, but I sure won’t forgive anyone with my kind of attitude.

My mom always understands, she forgives, but sometimes, she doesn’t listen too.

 

What to do with my life? Can I still reach for my dreams with this kind of me?

CAN THIS BE THE REAL ME?  I’m lost.

He still doesn’t get it. Other people talking about me.

Ever heard other people talk about you behind your back? Who hasn’t. How about peolple judging you without even knowing you? Again, who hasn’t, right? What about other people indirectly talking hurtful things in front of you? 

Some people do not give a shit I guess. But for me, It bothers me. Especially when I know I’ve done nothing wrong against them. 

Last month I had another episode of drama with my boyfriend. HE STILL DOESN’T GET IT. I was cleaning the house (his house) when he came home. It was scheduled we would clean together, but he came home a little bit tired. I know, cause he just walked 500m upward to reach the house. He arrived, I was getting the spider webs on the ceiling. He came in, sat down and took my phone to play. After a minute, I started talking on the things he would do to help. Instead of letting me finish my sentences, he said “Awni man, ker tako nabla-nablay yah. ” , which means “Just wait, I am so tired.” I was just actually just instructing, I didn’t tell him to start right away. But he got really moody. 

He stood up and asked me what I want him to do. I told him I want some stuff out of the living room so I could clean. I asked him to get his blankets and pillows upstairs, under the sun but instead he just folded them and shove it in another room. I told hime it is better if he would just take those blankets and hang it but he said, “Uwes ko ngalod ya.” Meaning “It’s my blanket.” I just wanted for those blankets to get an air and a little sun since he don’t want to wash them yet. What he did got me on.my nerves. I lost the interest to clean. I stopped and cried while he ran upnthe roof to play on the phone. I cried my eyes out, I made noises so he could hear I am pissed. I knew he heard them, he just ignored. I fucking hate that. I hate it. 

For almost an hour, I decided to get all my things, (I have some things in his place, clothes, utensils, etc.) I started to pack. He came down, turned onn the TV pretending he didn’t hear anything. I was in his room picking my clothes from the shelves. I came out, made some noises, then he saw me and asked “yake ka kag nen akha akha?” Meaning “Why? You look like you cried.?” I was like wow, so much pride he don’t even realize what he did wrong. I said to him,”I think its better we broke up.” Then things came out, stuff never been told and stuff i dont even remenber. But as I insisted on packing, he took out all of other things he thought it was mine, like clothes given as a gift to him by me and my family, some shoes I gave him, pictures I laid on the shelves and walls and other more. He put them all in a pile. What i thought of just one bag for my clothez became a big pile of stuff. I was angry, but I felt i was going to laugh when he was doing that, childish and such pride. He still doesn’t get it. WHY????!!!  Head as hard as gold. Nothing can get through. 

Then I began asking him, “Am I not Enough??? ” he didn’t answer right away. I guess he still doesnt get it. I hate that about him. When i ask a question, i expect answers right away. He leaves me hanging, that’s his thing.

Repeatedly, i asked him that question. He still doent answer. I told him “Do yiu know the reason why I wanted us to clean? Because your sister will come home. And whether it is true or not, she will tell other peolple especially your aunts what she will be seeing when she arrives home to a dirty place. And when that happens, i dont like to be talked about as a girl who doesnt clean or is not neat. Because no matter how i clean the place, there is always a way for us ti make it so dirty i cant even breathe looking at it.” “And so what? Never mind what those people say. Blah blah blah.” He still doesnt get it. I asked him again, “I asked you if I was enough, because when I do something, you always criticize, you never appreciate. When I clean and ask you some things, you get angry. When I stop cleaning and never mind the dirt, you say i am lazy. WHAT IS IT??? ” 

Pains from Sciatica. It’s torture.

SciatiCa ZelleLife2016
Sciatica Hits Zelle’s Life

For months, I’ve been wondering. I’ve been in pain. I’ve been moody and practically pushing everyone away from me. All these because of one nerve. Sciatica. How in the hell did I end up having you?

My experience with having sciatica is not really as pretty as the name. During the first writings in my blog, I’ve mentioned some back pains on my right side, upper of my butt and that was a result of a childhood accident. Yes, it is related. For so long I’ve been doing my best to make every part of my body comfortable because of it. I’ve tried to balance everything until one day something else twisted.

My buttocks, my thighs, my legs, my feet, all of these hurt on my left side. I was sitting for some time, I was studying. Making home works, projects and other things. I didn’t realize I was forcing my left lower part to support my right upper part while studying. Seconds went to minutes, minutes turned to hours, hours turned to 5 hours a day. Plock!!!! Something is wrong.

For a long time I did not know what it was. I finally went to see a doctor and they even thought it was just  stress and prescribed me with Celexocib.?! The pain went a little but the side effects was not really friendly. My stomach doesn’t work well, feeling sleepy all a sudden. and it is bad for the kidneys, i looked it up online.

So now what? It has been a year, I still didn’t know what was wrong with me, until 2 months ago, i was browsing the net, and got information about people’s back pains, then sciatica. Well, I have diagnosed my self. Yehey to me.

At least now, I can focus on how to get it better. How to live with it. How to hate it and love it. At the moment, I am hating it. It hurts when i stand up. It hurts when I walk, when I seat, when I go to the bathroom, when I have sex.  Honestly, I’m suffering, other people who do not know what’s wrong with me, still expects more from me. I can’t do it. I can’t sacrifice my well being just to please everyone. I have to take it easy. I always say to my self, “I’m still lucky. Other people with this case can not even get out of bed.”

For the mean time, I do stretches to get temporarily relief from the pain. I take Ramavit before i go to bed. They say it is for my veins. I also see a therapist twice every month. This routine only started last month so I can not say it is fully effective but I feel better than I was before.

Keeping it strong.

Veins in Knots

2 months ago, Before I went for an X-ray for my back aches. I had an appointment with a reflexologist. It was my first time. Back then when i feel i can’t endure the pain in my back, i would set an appointment with a massuer. But my mom thought i should give it a shot with the reflexo. . .so i did. 

IT HURT SO BAD! i just found my self about to cry everytime she touched my body. She pinched every vein in my body. She said it was normal. I just took the pain. She finished with my feet where she almost got her hand through. I thought she was going to put a hole on my feet because the way she held it hurt so much. She said it was normal again. 
After the session, i felt so numb. It felt like my body got heavier. It seemed that my brain can order my body to.move anymore. It was hard for.me to move after that. I thought i would feel refreshed and better but no. I felt i was paralyzed. I forced myself to go home, when i got to my boyfriend’s house, all i wanted to do was to lay down. As i did,i didnt see the time passed by, i already slept 5 hours and i missed my class.  That’s how weird it felt. When i finally got.myself to sit down, i tried to stand up. My feet were so numb i though i was going to fall. Most of my body part hurt when.i move. 
I still went for an.xray and they said everything is fine.with my back. Now, i can’t feel my back pain. Instead, i feel that anytime soon, ill be.on.wheel chairs. My feet hurt, my legs hurt i get cramps a lot, my knees hurt just by folding and standing up.. i dont like it. I cant walk like i.used to, cant run, can go up a stair without.holding.on.a.railing, can go down either. Everything is hard. Even standing up. 

Everynight i rub efficascent oil on the painful areas. Everynight. 😦 when i wake up, the pain in an area subsides, but of course it transfered to another area. It is non stop pain. 

How long should i still endure this. What would i do to make it all go away. Pills are bad. Killing myself ia not an option, though i say it sometimes but i dont realky mean it. I just thought, “Dying would be better than making the people around me feel miserable for taking care of me. I dont want to be burden. No, i wont.” 

 i still pray that this will all be gone soon.. that ill be able to walk like i used to, run like i used to, dance and.move like i used to..  

Dear God, 

Thank you for this life you’ve blessed me. I pray that you would keep me and my family safe, and healthy everyday. I am very sorry for the things i have done wrong to you and to other people, especially to those who are dear to me. I hope that you will not get weary of  watching over us, keeping us all safe, happy, and healthy. Amen.